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What to do when your partner or spouse has been jailed

If your partner or spouse is in jail, I’m not at all surprised you’re looking for advice. I hope this article will help you, at the very least, to feel supported while your spouse is incarcerated.

When your spouse or partner is in jail, you’ll want to know

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your normal reactions: thoughts, feelings and emotions to their being incarcerated
how to cope with judgement- (sentencing-) day in court
How to deal with your children’s feelings and emotions
How to cope with jail visits
How to deal with other people’s reactions

I’ve included links to other helpful pages so that you can begin to manage all that’s happening right now. And I promise you, manage you will. You’ll find that you’re much stronger than you would ever have given yourself credit for.

It’s likely that your partner’s arrest has been a huge shock to you, whether or not you saw it coming. You may or may not have believed in their innocence at that moment. They may or may not have been immediately taken into custody, or bailed out.

In any case, after the investigation – with all its uncertainties – your partner appears in court.

Day in court

And then, on that fateful (first) day in court, you may be there ‘supporting’ your partner, yet you’re very likely to be in turmoil yourself. You may not be told what’s going to happen, where you should be or what’s expected of you (unless, of course, you’re giving evidence).

Then there’s that awful sense of guilt and shame. You dread the thought of bumping into anybody you know. What would they think? What would you say?

You’re likely to be struggling to get your head around it all. You’ll probably feel torn:

What are you to believe? Innocent or not?
How do you emotionally handle the information about what your partner’s accused of? What does that mean for you (and your children)?
How do you cope with what you’ve been told (if anything) and what you hear in court?
Will he or she go to jail and if so, for how long?

Just remember that if you choose to support your partner that doesn’t mean that you’re aligning yourself with the crime.

Your partner or spouse is going to jail

Your partner or spouse is going to jail and you’re left to pick up the pieces.

You’re left dealing with the children and their reactions, the finances, family, friends – you name it. You’re on your own with it. All that, whilst you’re in shock.

But, I’m hoping I can help you a little – and I want to let you know that you’re not on your own. I’m going to help you understand and deal with your reactions to your partner’s incarceration.

I’ll also suggest some problem-solving strategies to get you through the initial stages. So, stick with me and hang on in there…

Feeling in shock?

That’s totally understandable if you’ve discovered that your partner has been found guilty of a crime. You may doubt that justice has been done – surely there’s been a mistake. Or, you may be convinced that they are innocent and you’re furious about what’s happened.

You suddenly find that your life has been turned upside down by your spouse’s incarceration. You’re in shock, barely able to take it all in.

You’re probably having to deal with all this:

Lack of knowledge: where is he/she? Will I hear from him/her? Can I make contact? Who can I ask?
Having to tell your children, but as you’re barely able to comprehend what’s happening yourself, you’re at a loss as to what to say to them.
You probably don’t want to tell anyone, including family and friends.
Yet you’ll have to decide who to tell because suddenly you’re on your own – you do need someone to talk to and you may need help with the children.
Dealing with everyone’s reactions, when you can barely cope with your own.

I can only guess at how much you’re struggling right now. What I suspect, though, is that you find it difficult to share your troubles with anyone. So, just in case, hop over my article on who to trust and talk to in your social circle.

How do you react to discovering your partner is going to jail?

Here are some of the things you may be feeling following your partner’s imprisonment.

FEELING TRAUMATISED by their incarceration?

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Naturally, you can feel traumatised by this crisis. You may, therefore, find my article on trauma symptoms helpful. (I’ll still be here when you come back.) You may also recognise these symptoms of a nervous breakdown.

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Having A SENSE OF GUILT AND SHAME?

You may find yourself wondering what you should or could have done differently – as if somehow you are guilty too. Or, if you know your partner is innocent, perhaps you’re wondering if there’s anything you could have done to prevent the arrest. And what can you do now to help your spouse or partner?

Many people in your position comment on their fear of bumping into people. They’re worried about using local services and shops. They scuttle around as if they themselves are guilty. Or they just don’t want to talk.

You might find yourself lying about what your partner’s doing – at least initially. Perhaps you can get away with saying he or she is on a business trip, a course, a week away etc. But it can be particularly difficult when you find yourself lying to the very people you love – your children, your family and your friends.

I want you to remind yourself that you are OK. It’s not your fault (unless you actively contributed to the crime of course). You did not deserve this and it’s unfair that you’re left picking up the pieces.

(Depending on the circumstances – it may not be your partner’s fault either.)

Feelings of guilt are appropriate if you’ve indeed done something wrong. But shame comes from how other people can make you feel. Don’t you take that on board – you have more than enough to cope with at the moment!

To help you cope with all these feelings, I’d like you to consider getting a calming and soothing self-hypnosis download. SElf-hypnosis with the aid of a professionally created download is very user-friendly and affordable. So, do hop over to my article: Self-Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads to learn all about it and decide for yourself.

Suffering from a SENSE OF ANXIETY AND IMPENDING DOOM?

I’d imagine you feel anxious… even if you’d normally consider yourself to be strong and able to cope with just about anything. But it’s no wonder. The following list is to help you realise that your reaction is completely normal.

Here’s what might be going on for you:

You’re worried about who’s going to know that your partner is in jail.
You’re acutely sensitive about what other people think of you and your family.
You hurt for your children and worry about how it’s going to affect them – how they’re going to cope, what they’re having to face at school, how they’re going to manage.
You too feel a victim because you’re traumatised by it all.
You may feel you will be judged and found wanting because your partner is in prison.
You might not be at all sure what you ‘should’ be feeling about your partner, but you could be really worried about what they may be going through in jail.
You may be worried about what the actual ‘guilty’ verdict will mean for the survival of your relationship or marriage.
You’re very likely to be worried about the financial implications of your partner’s incarceration: loss of employment – his/hers and maybe yours too, with a consequent loss of your financial security and your home.
Depending on what crime your partner is accused of and if indeed they’re guilty, you may feel a deep sense of sorrow for the victim, or their family.

If it all feels too much and you haven’t anyone to talk to, I highly recommend you connect with a licensed therapist. For further information see my page on online mental health counselling (it’s a paid-for professional service).

If you’re feeling isolated, lonely and depressed, do also read my article on dealing with depression without drugs.

Know that you will get through this, though – somehow you’ll find the strength to carry on and life will settle down in some shape or form.

Tips and advice to help you cope

In this section, I have some strategies, tips and advice for you…

deal with other people’s reactions
anticipate your children’s reactions
help yourself.

How to cope with jail visits

You may be feeling torn after all you’ve heard in court. You don’t suddenly stop loving that person, even if you now wonder if you really knew them at all. They don’t stop being a parent either.

Now, visiting your partner or spouse, you’re likely to have to face:

yourself being ‘locked in’
long queues
being subjected to security checks
having to endure searches, including your hair and mouth
being sniffed by a dog deployed to detect illegal drugs
CCTV cameras
no privacy!

So, here’s what you can do to help yourself cope with prison visits…

7 WAYS TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH PRISON VISITS

Once you’re familiar with the routine, you can prepare yourself better for it. Imagine a protective ‘veil’ around you.
Remind yourself that in an hour or two you’ll have ‘survived’ again and can focus on problem-solving in your daily life.
Arrange to see someone you trust immediately afterwards so you can talk about your experience and get it off your chest.
Talk to someone from the voluntary support agency in your country (see links below).
Use a breathing technique to calm and ‘ground’ yourself.
– Focus on a long slow out-breath
– Feel the movement of your belly as you breathe calmly in and out. – Notice any thoughts, but let them go as you focus again on your breathing.
– Keep doing that.
Practice at home – you’ll become better and better at that the more you practice.
Bring with you a tissue with a few drops of a calming essential oil. Use an oil you’re unlikely to come across once you no longer need to go through this whole drama (in other words – NOT lavender or lemon which you’re likely to come across frequently.)
Remember that you won’t be able to take anything else with you to the visiting area.

If you’re worried about your partner’s mental state, particularly if he or she appears to be feeling suicidal – be sure to speak to the staff before you leave. Alternatively, call the jail as soon as you get home.

Your children’s reactions

Your children may…

feel frightened and confused
be worried that their father or mother is going to be beaten up (they’ve watched those TV programmes!)
be at risk of being bullied at school.

They may not want to tell you how they feel, or if they’re being bullied because they might want to protect you from further distress.

It’s tough supporting your kids when you’re feeling vulnerable. So, cut yourself some slack. How could you have ever been prepared for all this?

Do hop over to my articles on how divorce affects children, and children caught in the middle – for some general tips on how to help your kids process what’s happening.

Reactions from others

Doubtless, you’ll take great care when you choose who you take into your confidence.

However, do remember that someone you really trust is likely to have someone else who they really trust. That person, too, will have a really good friend with whom they have always shared everything and so on…

And of course, there are always going to be people who will judge you.

Be sure to hold your head up high!

Over time, you’ll learn who to avoid and who you can trust.

The legacy of your partner’s imprisonment and what you can do about it

With your partner in prison, you might feel that your family is serving a jail sentence too. Yet, when you open the front door, life appears the same for everyone else.

I hope one or two of the following tips will help you cope with the new reality:

7 tips to help you when your partner is in prison

Cope with special days
Your partner isn’t going to be with you on important days – Christmas, birthdays, funerals, anniversaries, graduations, the start of school-days, weddings and so on.
Tip
Plan well ahead of those occasions what you’re going to do. Be ready to support your children and manage other people’s expectations, as well as your own.
Dealing with authorities
There’ll no doubt be a list of agencies and people you have to update.
Tip
Contact support agencies, banks and other housing organisations at the earliest opportunity. It’s essential that you feel safe and secure in the knowledge that you have a roof over your head.
Funding prison visits
You need to be thinking about how you can fund prison visits, which may be way out of your area.
Tip
Check if there are benefits to help you with this (see links below).
Staying on top of everyday chores
You’re going to have to cope with all the chores you used to share with your partner – if indeed you did – on your own. You may discover over time this is more than you’d ever anticipated.
Tip
Make a list of all the things that need to be done, keep adding to it as you go along. Then decide which tasks you just need to ditch and for which ones you can ask friends, family or neighbours for help.
Keeping, losing and making friends
You will find out who your friends really are. You may, sadly, lose people you thought would be there for you no matter what.
Tip
As a counsellor, I’ve heard numerous accounts from clients who had received support from people who were barely on their radar. So, be open to accepting help from different directions.
Dealing with losses
You may now have to face the fact that your partner wasn’t the person you thought (s)he was – if indeed they’ve found to be guilty. Your emotions, naturally, will be all over the place.
Tip
Accept that you’re grieving for the loss of your partner as you knew him or her. Anticipate that, with their incarceration, you’ll be experiencing more losses than you’re able to comprehend right now. Know that the early weeks are the worst. But eventually, you’ll find you’re much stronger than you ever thought possible. You (and your children) just need time and the opportunity to grieve.
Helping your children cope
Your children are trying to cope with the loss of one parent/carer, but will also be aware that you’re having a tough time.
Tip
Talk to your children and reassure them. Tell them that, however uncomfortable they may feel, your and their reactions are normal. You will be alright and you are there for them.

Here’s a free printable worksheet to help you look at what more you can do to help meet your essential emotional needs and move forward…

Here are some further strategies to help you manage everything that’s going on…

9 TIPS TO HELP YOU COPE when YOUR PARTNER IS INCARCERATED

Self-hypnosis can be really helpful – for further information see: Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads.
Tell the truth (even if you don’t tell all). You could end up forgetting who you’ve lied to and what you’ve actually told them. People will make assumptions when they know all is not well. Lying is likely to make everything even more stressful.
Continue, as much as possible, with any activities you’ve always enjoyed. This will help you to establish the best new ‘normality’.
Start a new hobby to keep active. You can join a new group where people don’t know you. Question your “Yes, but…!” excuses or ‘reasons’. It’s really important that you get some sense of belonging somewhere.
Join a meditation, yoga or Tai Chi class if at all possible to help lower your stress levels. Alternatively, subscribe to a favourite Youtube channel to help you practice at home.
Explore my articles ondepression for further advice.
Consider getting some counselling and support for yourself. Ask prison staff if they know of a support group.
Be active in your problem-solving. As human beings, we need to feel a measure of control. We need to experience that we can affect our environment and lives in a positive way. Chances are you’ve felt completely out of control, so you’ll benefit from taking even baby-steps to improve your situation.
Take any opportunity you get to become more skilful at whatever you do. Read, learn, improve and develop yourself. It doesn’t matter what and where it is – it could be at home and at work. But it will help to improve your self-esteem.
Consider if you’re still with the right person for you. Take my relationship test to help you figure it all out and decide on your next step – stay or walk away.

Finally

You’re going through a really tough time now your partner or spouse has been jailed. I totally understand if you’re now wondering if you should end your relationship or get a divorce. If so, I have a ton of resources to help you through a breakup. However, I recommend you only make such a life-changing decision when you’re clear about how long your partner will be locked up and you’re feeling a little better. I urge you not to make that decision in the middle of a crisis!

Just remember – this crisis will pass and you will find a way to cope with the situation. I know you can do it!

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